Some of the fuzziness has lifted from his mind today. His body is still going through hell, but it seems to be giving him a break from getting sick, even if only for a little while.
Today is day five of no longer taking pills.
For most of the day we laid around and watched movies. He even ate a good amount of food. The man I remembered was returning to the surface after being stuck in an underwater current for so long. I can tell that he can remember that man too for he keeps apologizing to me and telling me how much he loves me, that he is going to make everything better.
For now, all I can focus on is watching him learn to swim in case he starts to drown again.
I don’t say much. There is still rage locked away inside of me from everything he has done to me, everything he has done to us. For now, all I can focus on is watching him learn to swim in case he starts to drown again.
I noticed how dirty his hair looked and offered to start a bath for him. He nodded his head in approval and asked me if I could join him. I looked at him and smiled, then wandered to the bathroom to get the water started. I added bubbles and lit some candles and put fresh towels beside the tub. I undressed and put on a robe, then told him that it was ready. Slowly, he walked into the bathroom and peeled off his layers of clothing, dis-guarding them on the tiled floor. He had lost so much weight. He wasn’t bony or scary to look at, but he no longer carried extra weight and muscle. He slid into the warm water and I followed, settling in behind him. I took a rag and started to run it over his back, his arms, and his hair; slowly lathering him in soap, I tried to soothe his aching muscles. He leaned back into me, with eyes closed, as I washed his chest. I put down the rag and ran my fingers through his hair and kissed his neck. If I could take the pain away I would.
His hands moved slowly up my spine and he kissed my neck.
He seemed at ease, almost asleep. He sat up then and rinsed the soap off his body with a cup. He told me to switch places with him.
I stood up and moved around him, getting ready to sit with my back facing him–the way he had been sitting in front of me–when he turned me around and pulled me gently on top of him. He kissed me then, beads of water still on his lips, and I could feel him enter me, warmth spreading throughout my body. He held my hips close to him as we rocked back and forth, water splashing against our bodies. His hands moved slowly up my spine and he kissed my neck. I missed him. We moved to the sink, then to the floor, before finishing our bath.
Afterwards, we put on warm sweats and headed to the living room where we ate chocolate and watched brain stimulating movies like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We laughed and held each other close, our fingers tightly entwined.
All I can do now is focus on him learning to swim with the hope he will not drown again.